No (Too Sensual to Give a Title)

I almost gave in.


and it's been half a year now... if you know what I mean.


The kiss was nothing, really. It's like a monthly supplement for me, or a dose of my favorite booze that I take every other month, believe it or not ;)


But when he found out one of my weakest spots, I almost melted. And I almost gave in.


But I said NO, with a capital and bold N-O.


I told him that I'm practicing this thing... the practice of celibacy. Just like priests and nuns.


It was not easy though! Coz I'm like, "healthy" and stuff when it comes to that matter... if you know what I mean.


I'm very liberated you know. Trip ko lang ang ganitong pagba-blog, wag kayong mangialam, hahaha!


I'm just thankful that he understands me. That means he respects me... in a way.


Oh well, time will come that I'll be back with my "healthy" self. Ayoko lang siguro sa "kanya" (arayyyy... hehehe)


Spank me!

Sulit Nga Ba?

Balik na naman ako sa pagbabasa ng libro. At sa maniwala kayo't sa hindi, hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin natatapos ang novel na Sybil.

Imagine, since 1ST YEAR COLLEGE ko pa siya binabasa, at hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin tapos. Limang taon. Grabe.

Yun ang problema ko pagdating sa pagbabasa ng novels... once na naumpisahan ko, nahihirapan na kong tapusin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Nabasa ko na lahat ng Bob Ong books, Pugad Baboy 1-20 pati na rin ang graphic novels, sunday comics at compilation ng editorial caricatures ni PM Jr., dalawang libro ng kiko machine komiks, pupung, simo, culture crash, the king of nothing to do... ngunit ang kaisa-isang novel na paborito ko pa naman dahil tungkol ito sa multiple personalities eh hindi ko pa rin matapos. Lagpas kalahati na yung nababasa ko, LAGPAS KALAHATI. Ngunit di ko pa rin natatapos.

Siguro dahil sa mga terms na ginamit sa libro. Maraming psychological at old terms kasi ang ginamit dun na ngayon ko palang nae-encounter. Kaya 'pag may nabasa akong word na di familiar saken, buklat agad ako ng dictionary o thesaurus. Kaya nagtatagal ako sa pagbabasa.

Epal, nagdahilan ka pa. 'Wag ka nang magpaliwanag rima, letse.

Of Bands and Prejudice

*One of the articles that I submitted for PULP Magazine. Thanks Glad for the title;)
[February 2008]



Being in the music scene for quite a while makes me realize one thing: having a band and "selling" yourself and your music is no joke. Forming a group is not like forming an elementary club, brag it to everyone and manipulate their minds that your club is for real - even glorious (just like mock elections and politics). Yeah, fun and pleasure are part of it, but it is still hard work. You need to formulate compos, play with words after some shots of your favorite booze, make musical arrangements, rent a studio for rehearsals, sell tickets... and, of course, have public relation skills to have line-ups (note: you have to have this skill, and lots of it).

But let's face it. No matter how down-to-earth you are, no matter how hard your effort is, you just can't get rid of the reality that there will be this what I called "Clash of the Genuses" You know, the undying rivalries between two sorts. But just when you thought that the only genres banging each other in the music scene were the shiznits and the metalloids, there's this one incident that changed my certainty about the "brotherhood" of the latter.

I was invited by one of my brother bands in Bulacan to watch their gig somewhere in Ortigas. This friend of mine (who was the lead vox of the band) told me that the bands that will perform are mostly from the family of Tower of Doom. Since I haven't been on a gig for quite some time, and since I was having some issues and need to have a time-out, I decided to leave it all behind in suburbia and have some fun in the city.

Where's Solace When You Need It?

I've been planning to get out of this fucking dungeon and be with someone who promised me to take me away from all of this shit, knowing that he's doing a huge, as in HUGE favor for me. But unexpectedly, he was having an emergency gig somewhere in manila. I offered a deal that I'll go with him, but to no avail.


I was thrilled to know that they were game to go with me on a bar somewhere in Makati. But as I said awhile ago, they WERE thrilled. Now I'm all alone again on this filthy dungeon, feeling like Juno betrayed by her bestfriend.


I'm still thinking on how to deal with this "loneliness"... sayang naman get-up ko.


Last month and this week was the most devastating thing that ever occurred to me, leaving my ego and my "artist's pride" stepped on by some emo vamps. They've sucked all of my positivity, leaving me nothing but a penny of melancholy and self-pity.


I need to get outta here, I need to get back to earth. I don't deserve this kind of treatment. T.T

Huling Emo Night ni Julie Tearjerky

Buloy: Oh, ba't umiiyak ka dyan?

Julie Tearjerky: Wala... wala 'to.

Buloy: Eto naman, parang di pa ko sanay sa'yo. Sige na sabihin mo na...

Juie Tearjerky: Sure ka?

Buloy: Ge na, go...

Julie Tearjerky: Kahit pala ako may "frustration" din. Kainis. Aminado na kong talo na ko sa sarili kong laro, tanggap ko na. basta makita kong ayos sila ok na rin ako. masaya na ko kung ano man ang estado ko ngayon. mahalin ko muna talaga sarili ko... Oo, ganun na nga. ayoko munang manghimasok sa isang taimtimang relasyon. unahin ko muna ang dapat unahin, at yun ay ang pagtatapos ko. wala munang makahahadlang dun, kailangan ko lang ng kaakbay at masasandalan habang tinatahak ko yun. tama na muna ang kahibangan. pulutin ang dapat pulutin, buoin ang dapat buoin, at yun ang pagkatao ko. ganun muna siguro, ganon na nga...






Buloy: ... Ano ba talaga problema mo?

12 1/2 Writing Rules

from mgabobongpinoy.multiply.com



This will help me as a writer, thanks a lot!

(HOMEGROWN) HYPERACTIVE MADNESS! : The ULTIMATE UBE Experience

(Here's another version) 

        Who would have thought that a waffle flavor could be this good it’ll go places? I’m talking about Bulacan-based slapstick band ULTIMATE UBE who’s now giving the underground scene a slice of their music.

            Formed in 2004, the band started with a different set of members. After a number of break-ups, the original members Arman Macarasic (vocals), Cyruss Malanga (lead guitar) and Aron Manzano (rhythm guitar) finally found the right chemistry with new members Gian Silva (bass) and Paolo Gojocco (drums). The band showcases different flavors in different performances they do that, as the band said, is uniquely ‘Ube”.

            “’Pag tinatanong kami kung anong tugtugan namin, ang sinasabi namin ‘Ube’, kasi lumalabas na Ube pa rin.” explains frontman Macarasig, “Yun na siguro trademark namin. Kasi kahit gaano ka-seryoso tugutgan namin, lumalabas nanakakatawa. Kaya anong genre? Ube.”

Writer's Block

Frustrations ko as a writer...

Isip. Isip. Isip.

Kumpul-kumpol na mga salitang nakaimbak sa iyong isip.

Parang mga blokeng unti-unting nabubuo

upang maging pundasyon ng isang makabuluhang istorya.

Kaharap ang isang ubod nang nipis na kahoy

Habang hawak-hawak naman ang isang manipis na plastik

na nagsusuka ng tinta.                          

Nang biglang...

Isip. Sulat. Tigil. Tulala.

Isip. Sulat... Ngunit!

Tigil. Kunot ng noo. Kamot ng ulo.

Isip. Isip. Isip, Isip.

... Tulala. Blanko. Tulala. Tulala. Blanko.

Blanko.

AAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH!!!!!

Isang sigaw ang narinig kasabay ng paglamukos ng manipis na kahoy.

Isang pagpupumiglas ang naramdaman,

kasabay ng paglabas ng mga patak ng likido sa noo at kamay.

Mga namuong salita sa isip ay nagkabuhul-buhol

na tila 'di na maitutuwid pa.

Unti-unti nang nagigiba ang pundasyong binuo kanina lamang.

Hole

From resistance to threat,

I flee from the dwelling space of this world

Roaming 'round and 'round but to no avail

Running thru paths that make me pale.

I blankly stared the sky

And he replied me a cry

His tears overflowing my soul

Downcast piercing me as a whole.

I'm dispirited by the moment

Depleted because of torment

But never empathize nor pity

I find it therapeutic, not tragic.

And She Was Gone

She chose to walk alone

Though others wondered why

Refused to look before her,

Kept eyes cast upwards,

Towards the sky.

She didn't have companions

No need for earthly things.

Only wanted freedom,

From what she felt were

Puppet strings.

She longed to be a bird. That she might fly away.

She pitied every blade of grass

For planted they would stay.

She longed to be a flame,

That brightly danced alone.

Felt jealous of the steam

That made the air its only home.

Some say she wished too hard.

Some say she wished too long.

But we awoke one autumn day

To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say stood witness.

The sky refused to tell.

But someone who had seen it said

The story played out well.

She spread her arms out wide.

Breathed in the break of dawn.

She just let go of all she held...

And then she was gone.

~ As Told By Ginger

Magpa-realize ng mga Bagay-bagay

He said:

"i just realize..

that i have a stupid friend

who has a stupid life

a stupid lovelife

a stupid life style

a stupid everything around him is very stupid

i feel sorry for him

there's nothing we can do about it because whenever u advise him about something, being stupid

he's not listening,

so he'll die stupidly aswell

thats it for him

just wanna share

i just realize...."

Accepting the Worst to Come

It’s been a week and a half, and I feel light, really.

            Two weeks ago I was expecting the worst to come; now I’m accepting the worst to come.

I’ve been restless these past few weeks because of him. I even talked to him via phone and Myspace. I did everything to make him stay, but I think it’s not enough. Maybe this is really it.

            I gave him two chances. I told him to visit me on rest day. The first Sunday was awful. He never showed up as he always does. I went home early from a friend’s house expecting him sitting in my house waiting for me. But he wasn’t there.

            I was devastated. I knew it was coming but still, I expected. I got to admit, it was my first time to be paranoid. I was never paranoid, even if I heard so many stories about him being infidel. I cried the whole week. My friends told me that I have to end it. But how can I end a relationship if he won’t make an effort to see me and settle this issue? And I told them a million times that I don’t have the courage to end it, so I’m giving him the opportunity.

            That whole week made me realize that I was expecting the worst to come. But am I ready to face the reality that maybe this is the end for us? Am I ready to face the consequences after this? Can I handle the situation without breaking down and weep again for another week or months? That I never thought about.

            I also realized that I found my true friends, and surprisingly found out that there are some people who care for me. I was surprised when my OJT boss found out my situation and was really concerned for me! He texted me every day asking me if I’m alright. Even Pat was concerned. I told him and my friends that I just need some time to weep. And I’m thankful that they gave me time I need to weep.

            The second Sunday was different. I woke up with swollen eyes, but never felt any burden at all. Its like my soul was replenished and my body rejuvenated. I felt like I was born again. I went throughout the day not realizing that that day was the last chance I gave him to come into our house and settle things up.

            Now I feel happy, not very happy, but just right. I don’t know why. Maybe because I feel appreciated. As my friend said. “It is not about having someone. It is not about owning a relationship, it is just about being happy because you know you have loved someone. There is a purpose and meaning behind all events and this purpose and meaning develop you as a person and a lover. Whatever relationship you have in your life now, they are precisely the ones you need at his moment.” Enough said.

            About me and him? I don’t know. We haven’t talked since the Myspace incident. I don’t even know what status I’m in right now, haha!

            But we still need to talk. Yun na lang, matinding pag-uusap. Whatever happens I’m willing to accept it. I’m ready.

            Accepting the worst to come. That’s it.

Expecting the Worst to Come.

"EVERYTHINGS NOT THE SAME ANYMORE
even u
i understand..
i lack of everything..
i will accept the consiquences after this


mejo bz tlga aq sori...
if i cant make it on sunday
its up 2 u...

il respect and accept whatever u want to do to me

but i think i know what will happen....

i suck :("




dammit!



what will you feel if the one you love will say this to you?


i was taking my tears back when i read this... i said to myself, "shit! now its in my hands what will happen to us??? damn!!!" he's like manipulating my mind, making the 'makaawa' effect like other guys do...



all i want is a serious conversation with him... is that hard to ask?



all i want to see right now is his EFFORT... i told him that if he still cares for me he'll make an EFFORT to come here.



i told him i understand that he's busy with his work. but not all the time i'll understand him.... still, i have to, coz that's how much he means to me.




i need answers to my questions. i need affirmation. I NEED HIM.



doesn't he understand that siMPLE FREAKING THING???? DAMMIT!!!!




*sigh*






still i love that guy...






if i'll be mad of somebody, that would be ME. i'm hating myself because i'm a martyr to a jerk. and i too darn love that jerk.




like i said before, i love him too darn much to end it. so i'm giving him the opportunity...





shit, i'm an asshole.





now i'm expecting the worst to come....





*CUE: Brick by Ben Folds Five*

season ender.... for me????

"Please just end it, because i can't. I'm in it. Put me in my misery."

This one's from the season 3 ender of grey's anatomy. i like what Derek told to Meredith about... well, their status. Wish I have the courage to tell it to him, hay...

(Derek and Meredith are in the locker room)

Meredith: If you want to break up with me so you can see other women, just do it. Don't tell me you met another woman. Just end it if that's what you want.

Derek: I can't.

Meredith: Sure you can. Here's how it goes...Meredith, I don't want to see you anymore. Meredith, I don't love you anymore.

Derek: Meredith...I DO LOVE YOU. DON'T YOU SEE? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU'RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. I CAN'T LEAVE YOU. BUT YOU'RE CONSTANTLY LEAVING ME. YOU WALK AWAY WHEN YOU WANT, YOU COME BACK WHEN YOU WANT. NOT EVERYONE, NOT YOUR FRIENDS, BUT YOU LEAVE ME. SO I'M ASKING  YOU...IF YOU DON'T SEE A FUTURE FOR US, IF YOU AREN'T IN THIS...PLEASE...PLEASE JUST END IT, BECAUSE I CAN'T. I'M IN IT. PUT ME IN MY MISERY.

so please, put me in my MISERY, coz i can't... i really can't do it. i love you too darn much to end it. but i'm tired, getting really tired... i have the right to get tired, coz i'm human. i'm no superhero nor psychic to understand you all the time. i know we have other business to attend to, but am i not that important anymore? don't ever give me the "i'm busy" excuse coz that's bullsh*t. that is so bullsh*t...

i'm tired, so tired of the same old crap....

HAPPY 30TH MONTHSARY.

Emo ako ngayon... (ewan)

<Mar 5, 2007>

hay, ang buhay naman talaga...

*TAKE NOTE: kasalukuyan ako ngayo'ng nakikinig ng Rufio habang ginagawa ito. kung kilala niyo ang bandang rufio at alam ang kanta nilang "over it", hayaan itong tumugtog ng paulit-ulit sa utak ninyo habang binabasa ito. kung hindi nyo alam ang kantang 'yon, pwes umiyak ka...

katatapos lang ng grupo namin na gumawa ng PSA (Public Service Announcement). suicide ang theme ng psa namin (kung hindi niyo alam kung ano ang psa, isipin niyo na lang ang mga commercials na napapanood niyo sa MTV, yun na 'yon) sa tingin ko naman maganda ang kinalabasan. marami na kasi sa mga kaibigan ko, maging mga prof ang nakanood nito, at lahat sila'y nagandahan naman dito. may isa nga sa kanila na nag-text pa sakin para sabihan lang ng ganito, "ang ganda talaga ng psa niyo... pang-emo talaga, hahaha..." parang gano'n yung text niya. sabi ko naman sa kanya, "kupow... pwede na rin, kahit hindi talaga iyon ang theme" pero napaisip-isip ko, siguro gano'n talaga pag 15% emo ka at mahilig ka sa mga gothic-morbid-bloody things, hehe.

so nandito ako ngayon sa computer shop na almost 3 hours nang nagbababad sa harapan ng monitor (parang award ko na 'to for a job well done... well done nga kaya?)... sa totoo lang plano ko lang namang gumawa ng blog dito sa website ko, pero anong ginawa ko???: nag-check ng email, nag-check ng account sa findagoth.com, nag-check ng account sa friendster, nag-ayos ng account sa friendster, nagsagot ng survey sa friendster, nanood ng music video sa friendster, at nanood ng kung anu-ano sa YouTube. bakit? simple lang: dahil wala akong maisulat (o maitype rather) sa blog na ito. alam mo yung feeling or urge na  may gusto kang sabihin thru writing or blog, pero hindi mo magawa dahil hindi mo alam kung paano ka magsisimula? yun ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. sabi nga sa'kin ni G.Zople (di niya tunay na pangalan), isa daw ito sa mga klase na tinatawag nating writer's block.

writer's block? o tinatamad lang ako?