Accepting the Worst to Come

It’s been a week and a half, and I feel light, really.

            Two weeks ago I was expecting the worst to come; now I’m accepting the worst to come.

I’ve been restless these past few weeks because of him. I even talked to him via phone and Myspace. I did everything to make him stay, but I think it’s not enough. Maybe this is really it.

            I gave him two chances. I told him to visit me on rest day. The first Sunday was awful. He never showed up as he always does. I went home early from a friend’s house expecting him sitting in my house waiting for me. But he wasn’t there.

            I was devastated. I knew it was coming but still, I expected. I got to admit, it was my first time to be paranoid. I was never paranoid, even if I heard so many stories about him being infidel. I cried the whole week. My friends told me that I have to end it. But how can I end a relationship if he won’t make an effort to see me and settle this issue? And I told them a million times that I don’t have the courage to end it, so I’m giving him the opportunity.

            That whole week made me realize that I was expecting the worst to come. But am I ready to face the reality that maybe this is the end for us? Am I ready to face the consequences after this? Can I handle the situation without breaking down and weep again for another week or months? That I never thought about.

            I also realized that I found my true friends, and surprisingly found out that there are some people who care for me. I was surprised when my OJT boss found out my situation and was really concerned for me! He texted me every day asking me if I’m alright. Even Pat was concerned. I told him and my friends that I just need some time to weep. And I’m thankful that they gave me time I need to weep.

            The second Sunday was different. I woke up with swollen eyes, but never felt any burden at all. Its like my soul was replenished and my body rejuvenated. I felt like I was born again. I went throughout the day not realizing that that day was the last chance I gave him to come into our house and settle things up.

            Now I feel happy, not very happy, but just right. I don’t know why. Maybe because I feel appreciated. As my friend said. “It is not about having someone. It is not about owning a relationship, it is just about being happy because you know you have loved someone. There is a purpose and meaning behind all events and this purpose and meaning develop you as a person and a lover. Whatever relationship you have in your life now, they are precisely the ones you need at his moment.” Enough said.

            About me and him? I don’t know. We haven’t talked since the Myspace incident. I don’t even know what status I’m in right now, haha!

            But we still need to talk. Yun na lang, matinding pag-uusap. Whatever happens I’m willing to accept it. I’m ready.

            Accepting the worst to come. That’s it.